There was nothing special about the day, nothing in particular out of the ordinary, by all standards of measure it was an average Tuesday. To some people that might make it boring but for Dutch Dougherty it was just how he liked his days. When he was younger he had always thought that being an IT professional would be fun and challenging but after 10 years of experience he found it was really just stressful and exhausting. He didn’t envy those guys who break their backs in warehouses or construction but he was of the opinion that those guys probably have a lot less weighing on their minds when they clock out in the evenings. He would see them in the bar drinking and relaxing after a hard days work and could actually see the stress wind out of them as the night ran on, perhaps he was just jealous because he never had been much for drinking. Like everyone else he had ways of dealing with his stress too and for the most part he was able to get his mind off of work for a few hours each evening long enough to wind down and get to sleep.
Dutch was normal in every way in the eyes of the general public, there was nothing about his appearance or behavior that set him apart from the crowd but in his own mind he saw a different guy than all of those people. He had a secret and every night around the same time he retreated to his game room to slip into his other identity for a few hours before retiring for the evening. On this particular evening he closed the door to the game room and cranked up the volume on his stereo surround, fired up his game console and opened the bottom drawer on the table next to his recliner to retrieve the small wooden cigar box he kept there. He paused for a moment as he opened the lid and let the smell that had been building up like a cloud inside waft up to his nostrils as he breathed in that familiar aroma. Having his routine down to a science he had rolled a cigarette sized joint in record time and admired his craftsmanship for a second or two before lighting the tip. It didn’t take the full joint to put him in the proper frame of mind so he puty out the unused portion and placed it into the smaller round wooden case he kept inside the cigar box. The smell inside it was twice as strong as the cigar box but not nearly as pleasant so he quickly put the roach away and snapped the lid back down tight. Now that the ritual was out of the way he could finally get down to some serious gaming, not as serious as some took it but then they probably weren’t as stoned as he was. He liked playing online for several reasons but to him one of the important ones was that he could be himself, his online friends knew he smoked pot and even though only a few shared the habit none of them held it against him as a person and he found it hard to believe that he could get the same kind of acceptance from his coworkers or his family.
He had friends in his everyday life who were plenty accepting of his habit but most of them had grown out of it years before and the ones that still did were more or less acquaintences that he bought it from. For the last three years he had considered himself the last bachelor standing after the wedding of his best friend took him out of the game. They still hung out from time to time but things definitely changed between them. His friend, Marcus, decided to marry his girlfriend of eight months when she found out she was pregnant and when Dutch asked him once if he loved her his answer didn’t exactly confirm that. “Dutch,” he said “I grew up without a live in father because my parents never married and I always promised myself that I wouldn’t do that to my kids.” Dutch didn’t argue with him or probe any deeper because for the most part he had made promises to himself about things that he was very adament about and he expected Marcus wouldn’t change his thinking any more than he would.
After a few hours of gaming he shut down his console and went to his computer to check his emails before retiring for the evening. He looked through his inbox sorting out the usual junk and spam and replying to the one or two messages from his friends, he had just hit the send button on an email to Marcus confirming that he would indeed be at his daughters birthday part next week when he got an instant message notification. He didn’t recognize the name at all but since he never got instant messages he decided to open it and see if it was spam or not, when the window popped up the message simply said “Cutiesmiles019 says: I read your profile and I see you live in Brentwood, I live in Kirkwood, guess that makes us neighbors.” He had to think for a few minutes before he replied because he had never been much of an instant messenger unless it was between departments at work but finally he came back with “Betaman007 says: I would guess so I spent as much time in Kirkwood as a teenager on the weekends as I did Brentwood. Lots of cute girls there, you one of them?” Immediately after hitting the send button he considered how lame that must have sounded but he really didn’t think he could have been anything but lame in this situation. At first he kept thinking about the fact that he had always thought only seriously flawed people look for relationships online but the more he thought about it the more he realized that he could very well fit into that category.
He hadn’t dated much in those last three years since Marcus had married, he had lost his wingman after all and always felt like an outsider in the club scene. He was really an introvert masquerading as an extrovert but the veil was thin on that disguise and it never really worked in his favor. Once he went to a party alone at the invite of his regular pot dealer and saw the most incredible looking platinum blonde there who appeared to be alone as well. She had friends there at least which was more than he could boast but she didn’t appear to be with any guys there. She was captivating to say the least and it seemed as though she stuck out like a sore thumb but in that good way that only rare women can do. She was dressed in a way that suggested she knew more about fashion than anybody at that party with their pipe-legged jeans and decorative piercings in the oddest of places, and a few different times in the night he caught himself looking to long at her while he tried to work up the nerve to talk to her. Finally he got himself together and made his way across the crowd towards her and noticed that she had been aware of his approach since the second he took the first step in her direction. Nervously he tried to start some small talk and when he found her pretty receptive the tension he had bult up started to subside a little. They traded compliments on each others outfits in particular their hats as they both had button down flat caps on that matched their ensemble perfectly and before he left the party they traded phone numbers and myspace page addresses. Unfortunately for Dutch he wasn’t very good at reading women and their signals and he came to learn later that she was only interested in him in as a friend, they did grow to be friends but never very close because he never could get past the embarassment of forcing her to make it clear when he tried to kiss her goodnight one evening. She wasn’t the last girl that he had to run through that scenario with and eventually he just quit trying, it wasn’t the rejection that got him down so much as the fact that he would think that these relationships were progressing until they always inevitably felt they needed to tell him that they weren’t interested in him in the same way.
Having come to believe that there was something wrong with himself he found himself indulging this instant messenger wondering what her intent was and considering that not everybody can be packaged so easily into the “online dater” stereotype. The more they conversed the more they realized they had in common and they sent messages back and forth that night until well past the normal time Dutch would have turned in for the evening. When he finally did tell her he needed to go they both agreed to get back together the next evening to message some more. What he didn’t know was that their conversations were going to get even more interesting in the coming weeks, what he couldn’t have known was just how interesting they were going to get.
A few weeks had past and though for the most part Dutch stuck to his normal routine and his usual habits he had added instant messaging to the list and until he went to sleep each night he stayed up messaging back and forth with this mystery woman. Initially he indulged himself in the idea that there could be something to this girl that led him to a romance but by this time it was more than just indulgence. They really did have a rapport and he felt like he could be the real Dutch with her, he had told her that he liked to smoke pot and even though she didn’t smoke pot anymore she acted as though she didn’t have a problem with it. He even pushed the envelope a little and told her he wouldn’t change because someone had asked him to just to see if she would react but she agreed that he shouldn’t and he believed she really meant it. The anonymity of online handles had thus far not been penetrated except that they had shared each others real names but they had gone very deep into personal experiences and beliefs and basically opened up to each other and the more they did the more both of them seemed to relate to each other.
Chapter 2
Meeting of the Minds
Dutch felt like he had made a real connection and at this point he could still consider her a friend but he had become of the opinion that they shared that connection and that he wasn’t just imagining it this time. He had decided to ask her just exactly what she thought about their friendship and if she had considered that there was something deeper there and it would be so much easier this time being shielded by a firewall. When they got together that night and began chatting he didn’t waste a lot of time or wait until the last minute he more or less came right out with it “Betaman007 says: Moira, I have really enjoyed talking with you these last few weeks and I don’t know why you initially decided to message me but I feel like we have a connection that, at least for me, doesn’t happen very often.” Her reply was vague enough that he still didn’t know if they were on the same page, “Cutiesmiles019 says: I am glad you feel that way because that is exactly the same way I feel.” He knew he was going to have to be more specific to get the kind of answer he was looking for so he went for blunt this time “Betaman007 says: Just for the record, I want to say up front I’ve never done this kind of thing before but I really gotta know do you think we could ever be more than internet friends. I guess what I mean is more than friends….” this time she left vague behind when she replied “Cutiesmiles019 says: Sure I do, it wasn’t my intention whenever I first sent you that message but by now I really do feel close to you but I have to confess something to you first.” Now he was intrigued, that last bit meant something big and it could be a deal breaker so trying to stay tactful he asked her ” Betaman007 says: I’m all ears. Cutiesmiles019 says: I have a boyfriend right now. I know that it’s going to make you a little mad and that is why I haven’t told you and I really do feel the same way about you so I was going to break up with him but honestly I’m a little afraid to.
Betaman007 says: Why? Were you afraid I wouldn’t feel the same way and that you would have left him for no reason.
Cutiesmiles019 says: No, actually I was afraid of him. He is a bit controlling and on one occasion we had an argument, he got really angry and he hit me. I’m really afraid of what he’ll do if I break up with him.”
Dutch had to think really hard to come up with a reply, the news of a boyfriend was a shock in itself but the fact that breaking up with him might put her in some danger made him almost physically ill. He had never been the physically aggressive type but this made him want to find this guy and hurt him. He spent so long trying to think of a reply that she started to wonder if he was still there when she asked him he finally just said the first thing that came to his mind “Betaman007 says: Moira, you deserve a better guy than one that you have to be afraid of and I can understand that you’re afraid of him but our relationship aside you should have broken up with him for that very reason already. I’m not a big guy and I’m no prizefighter but if he ever bothers you again I would do anything to protect you I could.”
“Cutiesmiles019 says: That’s really sweet Dutch and I have known for sometime that I should leave him and maybe that is a part of the reason why I sent you a message in the beginning. In the back of my mind I was looking for someone to interest me enough that I would want to leave him whether I was afraid or not, you weren’t the first person I sent a message to but you were the first one who could hold my attention and now you’re the only one I want to have my attention and I am going to break up with him tomorrow. Are we cool?”
“Betaman007 says: Of course we are, but I would feel better if you just didn’t see him for a little while until we have had a chance to meet and then I won’t have to worry about you after you’ve broken up with him. I don’t want him to hurt you and if I can be with you after it’s done he’ll have to hurt me to get to you and I could deal with that.”
“Cutismiles019 says: Again that is sweet of you but I will handle this, I got myself into this mess and I will get myself out of it. If he shows up threatening me or even shows up after it’s done I’ll get a restraining order against him. I want us to take the relationship slow and I’d like for us to start talking over the phone for a little while before we meet in person.”
“Betaman007 says: Well it I will still worry but I can understand you wanting to handle it yourself I just don’t want you to get hurt that is all.”
“Cutiesmiles019 says: Don’t worry I live with my aunt and uncle and he would be hard pressed to get to me if I want to keep him away.”
They agreed that they would start talking on the phone and Dutch wanting to gain her trust gave her his phone number and did not ask for hers in return. She told him to expect her call the next evening and she would let him know how everything went. He stayed up for an hour or so after they got offline worrying about what all could happen and thinking how easy it would be to blame himself if she were to get hurt by this guy. Most days his work kept him busy enough that she only crossed his mind in the lulls but that next day was a long one and by the time he left for the afternoon he was twice as exhausted as normal because he had worried all day about her. When he got home he checked to see if she had left him any messages right away and found nothing, he had to let off some steam so he got out his cigar box and rolled a joint twice the size of what he routinely smoked every evening and still found that he could not completely let his worry subside. A few hours rolled by at a snails pace and even the pot could not create an appetite in him because his stomach was in a knot with worry. Things only got worse when he had not heard from her by the normal time and he began to wonder what he could do to contact her. The only thing he could come up with was to send her an offline message and hopefully she would get a notification on her cell phone if she had it linked to her messenger. Finally it came the time that he would normally go to sleep and he still had not heard a word and his worry was past the point of rational, his thoughts raced out of control and he knew that something had to be wrong and the more he thought about what could be, the worse he felt. Work was still a factor the next day though so he tried smoking some more to see if that would help and he took a shot of cold medicine to make himself drowsy, but none of that helped altogether to much and he still found it was rather late before he had finally exhausted himself with worry and more or less passed out. The next day he called in to work, he could have went in but he didn’t want anyone to sense that something was going on with him personally because he would not have felt comfortable explaining it to any of his coworkers. Lucky for him Marcus had been his boss ever since he had gotten married and their boss felt that he was mature and settled enough to handle the responsibility. Marcus never had the ability to detect anything unusual about Dutch when he felt out of the ordinary and he very rarely called in to work so he was fairly certain that he would just write his absence off as genuine illness. Dutch promised himself that he would not miss anymore work over this situation no matter what went down because he had to good of a reputation for being reliable to begin tarnishing it now and that this was a much needed break. He left his messenger program on all day and he tried to keep himself busy by gaming to pass the time but every few minutes he would find himself checking the computer screen to see if anything had popped up. Around lunch time he left the apartment for a bit to go and grab a bite to eat, he decided to eat in the restaurant rather than get it to go as he was sure he would just spend the entire time watching his computer waiting for some news that he was equally sure would not come. When he got back he was almost sick to his stomach when he saw that he had gotten a message from her while he was out and he literally cursed himself for not coming immediately back home with his lunch. The message simply said:
“Cutiesmiles019 says: Dutch, sorry I didn’t call when I was supposed to last night but I promise I will tonight.” he sighed. He felt some relief but the message really only created more questions for him and he found himself strangely angered with the fact that she couldn’t have called him from her cell phone rather quickly just to tell him she was alright and that she would call another time. After all she knew that he said he would be worried about her and he thought it rather discourteous to hang him out to dry for that long. Eventually he talked himself into believing that she couldn’t have known just how worried he would be or that she may have left her cell phone at home and it was not an option that evening, but he did plan to tell her that he lived alone and she could call anytime of night she wanted to his apartment for future reference.
Now that he was pretty sure everything was okay he was able to relax a little and watch a movie or some TV, he reached for his little cigar box and realized that he had been a little harder on his supply than normal so he put it away and decided to save what was left for later. He put in a DVD and watched the first few minutes but his mind was going over and over the details that had lead him to the situation he found himself in. The more he thought about it the less sense his behavior made over the last two days. When he thought about what any one of his friends would say if he explained the situation to them he began to realize that he wasn’t acting like himself and for whatever reason he was taking all of it way to seriously. After all he had never even met this girl so as much as they had in common and as strong as the connection between them might be he decided to take things a lot more casual, at least until he has finally met her. Dutch had never been the shallow type and never really held to a standard for women mostly because he thought himself pretty plain and had considered himself pretty lucky to have dated some of the women he had as most of them would be considered out of his league. But he was curious what Moira looked like and if he couldn’t meet her he decided he was going to ask her for a picture.
When the evening had rolled around Dutch had not thought about her for a few hours and when the phone rang he answered it normally like he wasn’t expecting a call at all. He was downplaying the whole event but really he was excited to finally be hearing her voice, she asked him things like “Do I sound like you thought I would?” and he replied with ”Honestly, I never gave it any thought.” The truth of course was that he had thought about it and he thought her voice was rather mousy and that she kind of sounded like she was faking to make her voice sound like that. He even told her “You sound kind of young, you don’t sound like your 22. I used to work in telemarketing in college and I ran into a few women who sounded like that. It’s pretty embarrassing when you ask a grown woman ‘Is your mommy at home?’ because you thought she was a little girl.” She didn’t act like that was the first time she had been told something like that and didn’t seem to take any offense. For a little bit the conversation was pretty introductory and they just seemed to be getting used to actually speaking to each other but it didn’t take long for his curiosity to get the better of him and he finally had to ask her how the break up went. For a few moments there was a silence and he was afraid she was gonna tell him that she hadn’t actually done the deed but eventually she said “Well, it went better than I expected but still not altogether good. I told him over the phone that things weren’t working out for me and that I didn’t think we should see each other anymore. He wanted to talk things over and told me that he would try and change if that is what I wanted, eventually we hung up and he seemed to accept it.” Dutch felt kind of stupid for all the worry he had put himself through “Wow that went better than I expected too.” That’s when she said “Well unfortunately that wasn’t the end of it. I went to work last night and he showed up and kept trying to talk to me about it while I was working and started to get a little loud with me, I thought my boss was gonna hit the fan so I finally told him we could talk about it when I got my first break. I was pretty scared because I could tell he was not taking it well at all so I had the bouncer go out with me to talk to him. He got pretty scary out in the parking lot and we eventually had to call the cops because he threatened the bouncer.” Dutch was speechless as the scene played out in his head and for a few moments he fell back into the worry he had felt the day before “So was that the end of it?” he finally said. “I think so but while the cops were there my boss filed a restraining order against him so he couldn’t show back up at the bar and cause a scene and I filed one to just for safety sake.” Moira finished. “Well I guess that’s still better than I expected but all in all not real good.” They both agreed on that point and trying not to dwell to long on the subject they moved on to lighter topics. In the course of her explanation of those events was the first time Dutch found out that she worked in a bar, he knew she was a student and that she worked part time in the evenings but he had never asked her what she did. That just added even further to his realization that he didn’t really know this girl to well at all and that he shouldn’t take things to serious for now.
That night he asked her a lot of things to try and clear up all the gaps and she gave some answers that created some interesting questions. At one point when they discussed High School she mentioned the all girls Catholic school she attended and he just happened to know someone who went to that same school. Which prompted him to ask her “You went to school at Our Lady of Hope? My sisters best friend went to that school. Did you know a girl by the name of Christin Coney? ” she thought for a moment then finally said “No, that name doesn’t sound familiar but it was a big school and I wasn’t the most sociable girl there. I didn’t know you had a sister what is her name?” realizing he hadn’t told her yet he replied “Which one? I have two sisters. My older sister’s name is Rachel and my younger sister is Grace.” Moira gasped at hearing his sister’s names and said “Grace Dougherty is your younger sister? I know her.” He gasped a little himself “How is it that you know her?” he asked. She excitedly explained “Well I went to the Homecoming because my cousin escorted a girl in the pageant, I’ll never forget your sister was the Homecoming Queen that year because I never thought I would say it but that was one beautiful girl. Her dress was perfect and looked handmade, not off the rack and her hair looked natural but more beautiful than any salon could have managed.” Dutch felt a bit of pride in his sister with that and told her “Well that is my sister all right. I was so proud of her that night, I drove in from College that weekend to be there. For a minute there I thought you meant you knew her, as in you had met her before.” She quickly cut him off and said “Well we were introduced once after that at a party once, as it turned out we had some friends in common. We didn’t have a conversation or anything though.” It all seemed rather innocent at the time to Dutch and they went on trying to find out if they knew anyone else in common. Later he mentioned to her that he was curious about what she looked like and they agreed to swap photos online, he knew that there was always a chance that she would send him a fake photo but he also knew that if he was gonna follow this notion that something could exist between them then he would have to trust her. After all for all he knew she was trusting him and he felt like that was the case but the more details he got the more he came to believe that maybe she didn’t have to trust what he was telling her, maybe she knew it all for herself. When the pictures were swapped he got just the response he always did from people seeing them, nothing especially flattering but not discouraging either, but really she had given more praise to is sister on her Homecoming. Dutch however could hardly believe the pictures she sent him. Most of the pictures were professional quality and had an artsy tone to them but more than that he found Moira to be a radiant beauty on film and wondered to her if he would be worthy of standing next to her. She assured him that she was not shallow and that he would be the perfect person to stand next to her.
Two weeks had went by since she had broken up with the ex-boyfriend and they had spent every night on the phone together getting to know each other and he was surprised how comfortable they both had gotten with each other. They had shared some pretty intimate details about themselves, the kind of thing that you would only share with someone you could trust and felt genuinely close and comfortable with. She had shared with him that she lived with her aunt because her parents had abused her as a child and that her mother had taken drugs while she was pregnant with her. He had grown up with two loving parents so he didn’t know anything about what she had went through in her childhood. He had shared with her how he had lost a lot of his friends to hard drugs, how a few had died, some were in jail and the others just simply went on to live a life he couldn’t and wouldn’t be a part of and how he felt about that time in his life. Both of them showed genuine understanding of the grief both situations would have caused and both tried to relate to each other how it had affected them permanently. Not all of their conversations were so deep sometimes they just talked about their day and funny things that had happened to them in the past, occasionally he even talked to her friend, Erica, who came to her house a lot. Once Erica had asked him if he knew Corey Robbins, and when he told her he did she told him that Moira had fooled around with him in the backseat of his car at a club once. Dutch didn’t get mad or even feel strange about it because he had more or less asked for it, he had jokingly asked if Moira was really the innocent angel she appeared to be and Erica thought she was dispelling the image. He didn’t think when he had asked though that her friend would have told such a personal thing so willingly. He knew when he didn’t feel weird after hearing it that he felt something for Moira and as bad as he hated to he could only think to define it with love. He managed to keep a reign on the feeling though and even pretended that it was really more like infatuation. But the fact was they were getting closer every evening and before either of them knew it they had as good a relationship as most couples who see each other everyday do.
Perhaps that is why Dutch didn’t see a problem with asking her to meet him in person finally, he knew that up to that point she had been really protective of her personally identifying information but if they were to take things any further that was the next logical step. He even believed that she wanted to meet him as badly as he wanted to meet her. On the third week after her breakup he finally asked her to meet with him in person and told her that he wanted her to feel as safe as possible so he left the details up to her. At first she seemed to dodge the question but it had taken him a lot of time to build up the nerve to ask her and he did not let it slide so easily. They agreed to meet that weekend and she would work out the details in between. As the weekend approached Dutch asked her every evening what she had decided and it wasn’t until Friday that she gave him a decision when he got off of the phone for the evening his stomach was in knots with anticipation, he was finally going to be able to call the whole thing real.
Chapter 3
And the Plot Thickens
Saturday rolled around and he spent more time than ever deciding what to wear, he had gotten a haircut earlier in the week and it seemed he couldn’t do anything with his new do. He worried over every little detail for awhile until finally he decided that he would leave his hair disheveled and just pick some comfortable clothes and if she liked him like that then he would know this was something special. He had more or less made himself believe that if she could be chased away he would do it that day so he didn’t get any deeper into things before it happened. He got all ready to go and drove to the spot where they were to meet and being as he was a little anxious he left a little early so he knew he would end up having to wait a little while. He sat there thinking about what he was going to say and he played out every possible scenario over and over in his head trying to ready himself so that it seemed as though he were totally collected and not the least bit nervous. That kept him busy for awhile and at first he didn’t even realize that she was late but eventually it occurred to him that he wasn’t that early. Dutch had never been one to wear a watch and he left his cell phone in the car so he caught the next person walking buy and asked them for the time, she wasn’t that late and he thought she could have called so he went to get his cell phone out of his SUV to see if she had called. He had given it to her so that she wouldn’t have any excuse for standing him up without at least calling to let him off the hook. He told her that he wouldn’t be mad if she decided to back out because he knew she was still reluctant to meet him, but he had told her if that were the case he would expect her to call. He tried to be patient and for awhile he did really well but minutes added up to hours and soon he knew he had been completely humiliated. He headed straight home without stopping and checked his instant messages to see if she had left him any sort of explanation, when he got there he was not surprised but very disappointed to see that she hadn’t. All sorts of things raced through his mind and he was a rollercoaster of emotion. He felt as though his heart had been set on fire, not in a metaphorical sense either, he was so upset that his chest literally burned and even though he had never been one to get emotional he wanted to cry. He never did and that is why his chest went on burning, he did everything he could to try and forget about it and had basically told himself that he didn’t want to meet her anymore. He had put himself out there and she made a fool of him for it and to him the whole thing seemed unforgivable. He turned off his computer and cell phone and unplugged his house phone from the jack, at this point if she did decide to try and explain herself he wanted her to know he didn’t care to hear it. It was the only retaliation he had at this point but really deep down he wanted an explanation and though he couldn’t think of one he wanted to believe that she had an explanation good enough to make him forget how mad and embarassed he was. He got out his little cigar box having been freshly refilled the night before and smoked, he didn’t take the time to roll anything he just got out the little glass tobacco pipe and packed it full never bothering to clean the stems and only lightly shaking the seeds from the bud before stuffing it whole into the bowl. When that was finished he took his time and cleaned the next one and smoked another, he repeated this process until he was so riffed out of his head that he couldn’t have stayed awake if he wanted to. When he woke up the next morning he briefly turned on his computer and cell phone to see if she had ever bothered to explain anything to him, words cannot express how depressed he became when he saw that she hadn’t. It turned out to be a long weekend and he just wanted it to be over, he actually longed for the stress of his job again to take his mind off the stress of the weekend. Now came the hardest part for Dutch as he had been through it many times before and he knew that this part was the worst, he had to start getting over her and trying to get back to the way things were before.
He knew that things would not be just like they were before because every time he let someone in and it didn’t work out something always changed and could never go back to being exactly as they were before. He wanted them to but he knew that inevitably she had impacted his life in some way and that impact would have a long term lasting effect. The part that pained him the most was that if he were to ever lead a normal life, at least by his friends standards, he would have to open himself up to someone again and there is always the chance that this kind of thing could happen again. The only smile on his face for days came when he rationalized to himself that at least he knew not to mess around with love on the internet anymore, he had learned that much and though he still felt foolish for having done so in the first place he knew that no matter how bad the next time was he would not feel near as stupid as he had after this one.
He threw himself into his work and actually took on more than his usual workload to try and keep his mind occupied. Marcus even had to ask him to take it easy at one point “I don’t need my top tech getting burned out.” he said. But Dutch payed him no mind and went right on doing double duty and just tried to make sure that Marcus didn’t realize how much he was doing. For two weeks he went on that way and had actually begun to get over Moira faster than he anticipated, he let his workload slip back to normal and actually was under the impression that nothing was going to change this time. As far as he could tell he had gone back to living just the way he had before she had come along and that fact went a long way toward making him feel really good again.
He was getting all of his work finished for the day and before he left for the weekend he was checking his email to see if he had gotten a response back from some friends he played games with online about a tournament they were planning. He couldn’t have been more surprised to see a notice that he had an instant message, he wondered when it was sent and though he knew better he rather hoped that it was from someone in a different department at work who needed something. He hesitated for a few minutes lost in thought about whether he should even open it, there wasn’t anything he could expect to read in it that would make any difference. At this point he had all but gotten back to his life and he didn’t have the slightest inclination to start up with her again but he wasn’t the kind of guy who could leave so many questions unanswered and if he deleted it without first reading it he was afraid that he would always wonder what had happened to her that day. He eventually convinced himself that he should open it and at least see if she attempted to make any explanations for standing him up and then not talking to him for two weeks, his hope was that she would make a lousy excuse and it would truly be over for him after that and he could finally let it all go.
His finger shaking on the mouse button and his foot tapping under his desk he nervously clicked the button and opened the message and read to himself:
“Cutiesmiles019 says: I know I stood you up and though I had a good reason I don’t blame you if you don’t want to hear it. But if you will allow me to explain I think you would understand, I am going to call you tonight at 10pm. I can’t apologize enough for not being there but I’d like for you to at least know my reason.”
Dutch was not altogether surprised at the message, but he was rather surprised at how he reacted to the message. Just minutes before he had every hope that she would give some lousy excuse for not showing up and he could forget her and now he was hoping against hope that when she called him that evening she actually could explain in a way that he could forgive her. He did not reply to the instant message but if she called he would hear her out, and if her explanation did not suit him he was well prepared to let her go. But deep down he really believed that she would not have stood him up unless she had a good reason, even though he could not explain even to himself why he was so convinced of that.
Chapter 4
This to shall pass
Not knowing what time Moira planned to call him that evening Dutch went home and went through his normal routine. He was not anxious about her calling at all and had pretty much decided he would not be satisfied with her explanation despite how much he wanted to. He had just about given up on her even calling that evening and was just about to go to sleep when the phone rang. He hesitated for two rings trying to steel himself for what came next then finally picked up the phone and tried to sound tired so that his indifference was not immediately noticeable. She sounded even more mousy than normal as if she knew how much she had to explain and how it still may not do any good. After they had said their first “Hello” in two weeks it got rather quiet for a few moments and afraid that she wouldn’t begin with what he wanted to hear he took that silence to ask her, “Well I am pretty anxious to hear what happened to you that day. I’ve been over and over it in my head and I still don’t have any idea what could’ve went wrong.” she gave hima rather timid apology and then after another smaller silence she started the story. She began with how excited she was about that day and how much she was looking forward to meeting him, she told him about how school that day seemed to fly by because of it. She explained that she was thinking about it so much that she didn’t notice anything unusual as she crossed through the parking lot that day after class was over. It wasn’t until she unlocked and opened the door to her car that she had any reason to think anything was out of the ordinary. After she pulled the handle opening the car door she was grabbed by both arms from behind and even though she screamed there was nobody in the immediate vicinity to hear it. She remembered getting struck across the face really hard and when she woke up again she was in the car and it was pulling to a stop. She sat up and could see her ex boyfriend was at the driver seat, she then had just enough time to realize they were in a park that ran right under the freeway when she was knocked unconscious again. The next time she regained consciousness he was on top of her and had ahold of her so that fighting was not even an option and just seconds later he would be done and gone. The damage was devestating for her both physically and mentally, he had beaten her badly apparently the entire time he was violating her. She then explained that the rest of the evening and most of the next day was spent at first the hospital and then the police station and the subsequent two weeks were spent trying to realize that she could eventually feel okay in her own skin again. When she had finished with her explanation it was now Dutch who had no idea where to start and he had to ask her for a few seconds to take it all in before he made an attempt to reply.
Moira finally had to ask him, “I can understand if you don’t want to be with me now, but would you please tell me how you feel right now?” Dutch stumbled on his words for a few seconds then finally said “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to keep you in suspense or anything i am just still trying to take it all in. I gave a lot of thought over the past two weeks as to the reasons you might have had for not showing up but I honestly never thought about that happening. Knowing now what actually happened I don’t blame you for not being there, of course, and I can even see why you wouldn’t want to explain right away. “ he hesitated before asking because he was sure that he knew the answer already but finally asked her “Why would you even want to take a chance with me still? Don’t take that the wrong way, I just can’t see you being ready to meet up with some stranger off of the internet after having lived through that nightmare.” He could hear the faint crack in her voice as she replied, “I wasn’t going to contact you anymore, I was going to let you believe I had stood you up and let you move on because honestly I won’t be ready for that anytime soon, but I just couldn’t. I could live with the fact that you would hate me thinking I had left you like you undoubtedly thought I had, but I couldn’t live with myself knowing I had let you go. I couldn’t let it end like that but I can live with it if you decide you don’t want to be with me anymore.” Without hesitating Dutch broke in, “I hope you know me well enough by now at least to know that I wouldn’t leave you because of what he did to you. If it takes more time then so be it, I’ll give you all the time you need to be ready.” This seemed to please her and she sounded slightly less timid, “You don’t know how worried I was that you might not feel that way but I’m glad that you don’t. I don’t know when I’ll be ready but it won’t take a year or anything like that I just need some time.”
Dutch felt so many things at that moment that he could not sort it all out for a little while. They didn’t talkmuch longer that night as she was still not quite herself and she knew he would need to get some sleep before he had o work the next day. When he hung up the phone though he found he could no more sleep than he could rise and fly, the depth of the situation had just went beyond what he could ever have fathomed. He went to the game room and turned on the floor lamp next to his chair and reached for the cigar box so that he could attempt to slow the swirl of thoughts in his head long enough to try and wrap his mind around the details. It was only mildly effective though because for every detail he considered there was a question that arose. Some of them were small questions that could go unanswered but others were nagging at him and he knew eventually he would have to address them to her, but he would have to wait until the time was right so he didn’t upset her. The one question he that he felt he wanted an answer to but probably could not bear to ask her because of what it would imply was why he had not heard about it before. He knew she hadn’t told him sooner for her own reasons, but the area they live in was small and a crime of that magnitude would likely have made the papers if not the evening news. He knew that he did not always watch the news but he read the paper every day, though he knew it was still entirely possible that he could have missed the story. He did not want her to think that he didn’t believe her by asking such a question but she had told him before they ended their conversation that he had been caught rather quickly because she knew him. Dutch could not get past the idea that the news did not plaster his face all over for the whole state to see as was the usual treatment for murderers and rapists.
He sat in the dimly lit room that night soaking it all in and trying to make heads or tails of it all for around two hours before he was finally able to get to sleep. When he woke up the next morning his thoughts turned immediately back to the night before and everything he had come to learn. He knew that he was going to have to trust her on some things that he couldn’t yet understand if they were to continue on like they were before. All he knew for sure at this moment was that he had come to care a great deal about this girl that in most respects he barely knew, but it also seemed that he would be willing to go to great lengths to finally be able to be with her. If he were going to go through with this he needed someone he could trust to talk to, someone who wouldn’t judge him but could help him put things into perspective. Marcus was obviously his first thought but he knew they had been friends for far to long and he would try and talk him out of persuing things any further with Moira. He was in short supply of friends at the moment so his only other thought was that maybe he could befriend the only other guy he had a friendship with outside of work, his dealer. Tommy was a straight up guy, he was always inviting Dutch places but being the homebody he was he always turned him down. He knew it was going to mean breaking his routine but that was a price he could pay, plus Dutch wanted a friend again. One that wasn’t married and could still relate to the problems found in the beginning of a relationship, even though he was pretty certain Tommy would not be ready for the problems Dutch and Moira were dealing with at the moment. After all the situation was far more unconventional than other romances that started online.
Around lunchtime that day at work Dutch sought out Marcus and asked him where he could find Jimmy, Marcus said “Who the hell is Jimmy? And why would I know where to find him?” Dutch laughed, “Jimmy is the guy who you call into your office three or four times a day to xerox and hand deliver all those little memos we get from you.” He watched as it dawned on Marcus who he was talking about then added, ” Yeah, that guy. “ Marcus laughed and said “No wonder that guy hates me, I’ve been calling him Phillip. Where the hell did I get Phillip from then?! If that guy is Jimmy then who is Phillip?” Dutch was laughing at Marcus so hard he almost left without getting an answer, “I don’t know who Phillip is but do you know where Jimmy is or when he’ll be back in the office?” Marcus looked in deep thought as he replied “He’s getting my lunch right now, as he does for all the division managers, he should be back within an hour but you’ll have to catch him fast he usually leaves for his own lunch right afterward.” he furrowed his brow a little “I wonder if he notes what I order so he knows which one to spit in?” he added. Dutch just shrugged, “Good luck finding out!” and laughed as he walked away. Jimmy was a guy known around the office as The Ticket Master because he could get tickets to anything that happened to be going on in St. Louis. Dutch never thought about it before but he always had a nice price on them too, not usually cheaper than regular cost but not much more either. He worked that he would pick up a few tickets to the Cardinals game and see if Tommy wanted to go, it seemed like a good way to begin a friendship and he knew Tommy was a baseball fan. He caught Jimmy in the parking lot quite on accident and asked him about the tickets and he just so happen to have two tickets on him, not the best seats but not the cheap seats either. Having that out of the way Dutch decided to go and get his own lunch.
To be continued…..
Sorry again readers but I have been at it for awhile now touching up chapter 3 and starting chapter 4 and I have to break for the night. If everything goes well I’ll get to the more interesting parts of chapter 4 early on this week. Hope you’ll come back for the rest.
Sorry readers I have been at the keyboard for a few hours now and I have to go to sleep, I wish I could say I hate to leave you hanging but I want you to come back and keep reading and the best is yet to come. Stay tuned and later in the week I will finish the chapter and keep the story moving forward into chapter 4.
